Tag Archives: love story

A Trust Story

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543999_10200417556630862_1036856482_nOne year ago today I was in Austin, Texas on a bus tour across the country.  I was sitting in the auditorium lobby of a high school with two girls who were chatting with me about boy trouble and other high school things. I heard myself say to them what I often say to women/girls who are younger than me: Have patience with yourself.  There is so much good in life that is yet to come. Think further ahead in your life to the woman you want to be.  Things just get better and better!  And as I watched the sun set over Austin out the glass double doors, I considered those usually comforting words and wondered to myself if it was all a lie.

You see, the man I loved lived in Austin – the only man who I ever loved from the very first moment I saw him – and he was supposed to be there at the event with me that night, only he’d stopped returning my calls or texts the week before.  So I sat there that night and wondered if everything, even what was in my own heart, was a lie.

Fast forward several months to May. I had just moved to New York and was staying on a couch in Brooklyn, sick as a dog and technically homeless, watching Millionaire Matchmaker and sorting emails on my laptop.  In an old email account I rarely use I came across an unread email from him, dated about the time I’d stopped hearing from him.  The email explained why he couldn’t call or text, and another one that followed later said he assumed I was angry and that it was over, but that he was so sorry and he’d love me always. I was relieved he still loved me, but how much could one heart take? I no longer knew what to believe.  My trust had been broken.  The ability to feel secure in that relationship no longer seemed possible.  I told him I had to move on.

Fast forward again to November.  I was typing away at my desk one morning when my phone rang.  Almost the first thing he said when I answered was this: “I’m putting my foot down.  I love you and I want to be with you. I want us to commit to this.”  I said no.  He said, “My life is different and I understand why you don’t believe that, but I want the chance to show you. I want us to work together to find a solution,” and then he said, “I’m going to call you every day.”

Right. Ha. I thought. We’ll see about that.

But he did.  He called every day.  Sometimes we would talk for an hour and sometimes he would just have a minute to say hello.  He called every day.  And when I asked him a difficult or uncomfortable question, he answered sincerely and openly.  When I asked how on earth we would make this work, he said, “I’ll come there.”

Right. Ha. I thought.  We’ll see about that.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my apartment.  I went out to the curb to meet him and as he got out of the cab, in one swift move, he lifted me in the air and kissed me – right in the middle of the street.  In one way, I still can’t believe he’s here, and in another way it feels like he’s been here all along.

People will tell you that people don’t change.  That others don’t deserve second chances (or thirds).  I’m sure I’ve said those words myself to a girlfriend or two.  But I listened to myself on this one – I had to.  I was my choice to define what I believed in, and when not to trust it, and when to be open to it again.  And it was his choice to fight for me.  He battled his own demons, he bravely faced my mistrust, and he boldly came to be with me in a strange land.  (Are my fairytale references here subtle, or not so subtle?)

Every time he says “I love you” my heart leaps.  And you know what?  I believe him.

From Me To You, Valentine

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There isn’t anything in the world more important than love. Share some love today – be it romance, appreciating good friends, or getting lost with a good book. Like my favorite love story, The Time Traveler’s Wife:

“There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love.”
― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

Here’s a little love from me to you!

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A is for Always

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al·ways
[awl-weyz, -weez]
adverb
1. every time; on every occasion; without exception: He always works on Saturday.
2. all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly: There is always some pollution in the air.
3. forever: Will you always love me?

There is a man.  Or sometimes I think I should say boy, despite his age.  There is a man/boy.  He’s commandingly tall, with strong shoulders.  Curly dark hair.  An electric smile.  He talks fast and moves not so much gracefully but determinedly.  Every gesture knows the one that follows.  Every step is headed somewhere, even if to the other side of the bar and back again.  That’s how we met.  He made my summer cocktails.

The french word for always, toujours, also means anyhow, still, and yet.

But that’s not how we fell in love. We fell in love in the car, singing at the top of our voices, holding hands. We fell in love in the quiet space of the fields that surrounded us, with the sureness of the road that lay ahead.  And even if we never pass by that way again, in that field, on that road, we are still in love. Still. Anyhow. Yet.

“You will always be my always.”  -David Levithan

When I think of him, I cannot think of any other word than the word always.  I don’t have any other feeling than the feeling of always.  Continuously, without exception, forever.

There was a time we were out of touch.  I changed jobs. I traveled to France and back.  I bought a home. I began to prefer red wine over white. I dated someone else.  He moved to a new city. He bought a car. He cut his hair shorter. He traveled to France and back.  Then he wrote to me.  I hope all is well with you and I think of you always, he said.  Now we write letters until the ink runs out.

But I have a feeling there will always be ink.

American Sign Language: “always”

The sign for “always” can also be used to mean forever and eternity. (There are other variations for “forever” and “eternity” though. My point is that all three concepts can be expressed by the sign for “ALWAYS.”)

To do the sign for “always” hold your index finger up in the air, palm back, and draw a couple of large circles. The movement is not small like the movement used for “single/someone/something” — instead the movement is much larger–more like the size of a saucer (small dish). All of the movement is in the elbow. None of the movement is in the finger or wrist, they are kept straight.

The movement is not small.

It’s funny the things that bring two people together.  Someone asked me recently what it was that drew me to him. It’s a series of small things that made a large movement. It’s also funny what can keep two people apart. It’s a series of small things that can prevent a large movement.

I don’t know how this story ends. Maybe because it will go on forever. Continuously.  Anyhow.

Always.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the “Loved” Book Cover Revealed!

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I am so excited for you to see this!  Here is the cover for Loved, due out this summer:

The next announcement will include info on how you can get involved with the pre-release of Loved, so watch for that.  Also, a shout out to my fabulous designer Holley Maher at H Maher Creative for her work on the cover!

What My Heart Looks Like Now (An Outtake from “Loved”)

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In the wake of the book title announcement and just a few days before the book cover reveal, I thought I’d share a little piece of the book with you (which has since been edited out).  Here’s a little treat for you from Loved, due out this summer:

Regardless of why he contacted me, or what he expected to get out of it, I could officially walk away from that wreckage.  My heart might be scarred, but the wound had healed and I didn’t notice the scars so much any more.  Still, I was afraid that if I tried to use my heart again for romance I would feel phantom pains.

I felt ready to write another goodbye letter, one of those you never send but simply use to get out some emotions.  In a way it had taken me years to write.

Dear Chad,

if i could show you a map of my heart it would look a lot different than you might think.  if i remember correctly, you’re a pretty scientific guy.  you probably think my heart has 4 chambers.  it doesn’t.  well, ok, my doctor might agree with you on that.  but really it doesn’t.  my heart has five layers.  on the outside are fun things i love – sprite, rock climbing, rock music, oatmeal soap, cooking (half of those you don’t even know i love because they didn’t exist to me yet when i knew you).  that layer is important to my personality, but doesn’t speak as much to my character.  that’s the second layer.  there you’ll find my passion for music and fashion and my eye for putting the right colors and textures together.  here you’ll find my tendencies to love the planning of things more than the things themselves.  you’ll find my loyalty, my excitement for steelers football, my calmness on rainy days, my talent with words.  it didn’t take you long to get through all that the first time around, so let’s keep going.  the third layer is where you’ll find my family and my dearest friends – people who are so important to me that i literally need them for my heart to continue pumping.  i’ve lost people from here before, and though a devastating blow, i was able to survive it.  when one of them goes away the others are able to step in and fill the space until the heart is strong enough again.  the innermost layer, the absolute core of my heart, is where God is.  No one will ever come near to Him, as He is my creator and my savior, my beginning and my end.  but layer four, right between the people most important to me on earth and God himself, was you.

you might look at me as a girl you dated once.  someone you cared about, maybe loved.  you said you did, but i don’t know if that’s true based on the way it was so easy for you to walk away.  but to me, you were the guy i was going to marry.  you were my life here on earth.  you were the closest relationship i had on earth to what our relationship to God resembles.  that’s his call for husbands and wives, and for me you were that person.  are you starting to get it?

yes, i am fine now.  i am more than fine.  i have added and added to my outer layer all kinds of things i never would have experienced with you.  i added to the second layer all kinds of characteristics that i gained from surviving, and i am thankful for them. i added to the third layer of my heart so many amazing, loving, inspiring people i never would have met if you were here and i wasn’t the me i am now.  there’s no one in the fourth layer, but there will be, and he won’t leave it.  in the meantime, i recognize the miracle that i survived the collapse of that space.  a miracle!  God and the people dearest to me rushed to fill that void and kept me breathing.  i do believe that is a loss no one should ever have to feel.

i tell you this only because i think it’s important for you to know that, while you can probably shrug off what you did, you changed me that much.  although i’m thankful that i have become the person i am (and so thankful i’m not, in fact, married to you) i never should have had to become me this way.  it doesn’t hurt anymore, but i’m scarred.  and that’s what my heart looks like now.