I’ve been procrastinating…
I suppose blogging about my dates comes more natural to me than writing about more serious matters like why I decided not to publish my book—well, at least not with the publishing house that had offered me a contract.
The truth is, I still don’t know what to do with the memoir. I did, after all, spend years of my life working on it. Furthermore, I’m not a talker—if I say I’m going to do something, I always follow through. It embarrasses me a little that I’ve been talking about this project for years and now I won’t see it come to fruition. Part of me still wants to publish it just for the very reason that I said I was going to.
So why the change of heart?
If everything had run smoothly, I one-hundred percent would have gone for it. After some bumps in the road, I began to feel the publishing house was, not the right “person” for the job, so to speak. I will say, however, that I do feel grateful that someone was interested in publishing my story. I know it’s not an easy task to find a publisher, especially as a first time author. I feel it was a little wink from the universe that I was doing something right, and as one of my girlfriends said, maybe it was the push I needed to finally finish the damn thing.
I know what you’re thinking…I have this completed product, why don’t I self-publish?
If I had written a book that was less personal, I would, without a doubt, do exactly that. However, due to the highly personal nature of the stories I told, I didn’t want to simply put my personal life out there on the Internet. Plus, writing about yourself is one thing, but when you write about people in your life—even if all the names have been changed and it’s done in a loving manner—it’s inevitable that someone’s feelings are going to be hurt. And the fact is, there were some stories that my mom definitely wasn’t happy I shared. A friend recently told me, “You can’t let other people’s opinions hold you back like that.” But, hey, it’s my mom. While very few people’s opinions matter to me, hers certainly does.
In the end, I did make a promise my editor that after a much-needed break from the material, I would take another look at it. I’m in the process of re-reading it right now. Although I wrote a book I don’t want anybody else to read, I did succeed at writing something, I myself would have loved to have found on a bookshelf. And may some day, the right opportunity will present itself, and I will have the courage to publish it.
The good news, however, is that I don’t have to decide today.